my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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