I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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