I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I need a beard to bite.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
