i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
