Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
