my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
