i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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