Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
