Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
