I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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