I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
