put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
