I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
