see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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