Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
try to milk me bitch
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