You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
