He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
