Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
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