Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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