If that was your dad, he is hot
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
