just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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