Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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