And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
