My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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