Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
