No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she peed on how many people?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
