I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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