Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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