I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
