so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
