I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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