I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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