She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
