my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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