The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
