NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
