I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
