i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
