all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
