I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
