Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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