I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
