our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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