Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
