I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
