I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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