hell yes lets make some ravioli
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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