Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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