I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize