God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
