Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
