Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
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