I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
