You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
false alarm, still single
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
