carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
