I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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