is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
