You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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