Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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