my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
