don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
