and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
