If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The power of my boobs compel you
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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